Existing Family Unit

I am finding it difficult to put into words what rolls around in my head regarding how adoption and adding more children can affect the existing family unit. Modern psychology tells you that messing up birth order can be extremely detrimental. It also says that it is difficult for children to not get lost in larger families. It is difficult to meet their needs if there are a lot of children pulling for you time and attention.

I often deal with feelings of inadequacy as a mom. I think most mom's do. I am coming to the conclusion though that a good mom, not even a super great, creative, spontaneous mom, is better than no mom at all. A child who has been waiting for a family, praying every night for God to give them a family isn't going to be super upset if their mom isn't the coolest on the block. If she has arms that are willing to hold, hug, soothe and comfort they will be delighted.


While I am sure there is some truth to children not getting as much attention in larger families it doesn't have to be true of you. Fear always has a measure of truth in it or it wouldn't be believable. I look at friends and family members who have two children and it is obvious that their children get more, do more and usually have more. But usually, and I am not saying always, the things that our children may miss out on are more materialistic in nature. They may not get as much stuff (although they have crazy amounts of stuff), they may not get to go as many places (although they get to do a lot) but is that all bad? Now, in their minds it can seem horrific at times.

What I notice is that my children may have to sacrifice a little bit more and they may have to be a little more content. And I really do not think there is anything inherently bad about that. We may spend more time at home than the average American but I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with that either. I am hopeful that my children learn contentment. I am hopeful my children learn that spending time together climbing trees, playing basketball, helping one of the younger ones into their swings, pushing each other on swings, playing in the sand......I am hopeful they will learn simple joy in simple life.

Adding more children, whether biological or adopted, always adds a new dimension. It takes a while for everyone to get comfortable again. It does eventually happen though. My older boys ask often when we are going to adopt again. They are old enough to understand that is hasn't been the smoothest ride with our daughter yet they are perceptive enough to understand that life isn't just about their wishes/desires. They haven't completely grasped eternal value versus momentary happiness because I am just learning this myself.

The bottom line is when you decide to add to your family there is going to be some upheaval. Some children who have an easier time and some who have a harder time. There is wisdom in assessing how things will all work out. The danger is in letting your fears dictate your decisions.

Hopefully this post has made a little sense since I have worked on this numerous times. And if it doesn't make sense just try and decipher something.