Just Some Thoughts

So...continuing on with processing the surprise of another child. I would like to explain myself more and just get out some of the emotions and feelings I have wrestled with and at times still wrestle with.

First of all, I like to keep my life and our lives (my family) controlled and maintainable. Not in an unbearing fashion (I hope) but I need order to function at my best. Obviously, when something comes along that is a surprise such as another child the life you were projecting suddenly has to change. You see, I was already thinking about next summer and how much easier it would feel with Tristan and Eden both communicating well. We could pack up the kids and go to the beach, we could spend more time swimming, yada, yada. What happens for me when things unexpectedly change is this: I have a really hard time reworking things in my brain.

Secondly, I think of the practical things. We will have to get a bigger vehicle. Which isn't all that bad. We are throwing around a possible move - which isn't a huge change either. We both enjoy looking at real estate and both desire to have a farmette in which our children can run free and pee in the middle of the yard if they so desire without alarming the neighbors. But, we aren't pressured for time because our house is adequate.

And then I start thinking about the things that probably aren't necessarily true and I have to shrug free from. Like, who is going to want to hang out with a family that has five younger children? And who will ever see if we want to go to the beach with them? If they really wanted to see a circus they would go where they serve yummy popcorn, right? They wouldn't really want our traveling circus to accompany them. Don't get me wrong. Our children, in my opinion, are fairly well behaved. It is just the sheer number of 5 children all running around that gives the allusion of utter chaos!

But...what have I already learned through the past 2 1/2 months? Some very wonderful things to be exact. First of all, even when you feel like you are in control of your life (consciously or sub-consciously) you really aren't! I know that isn't catching any of you by surprise. What I have found after getting past my shock is that embracing the fact that God really does know what is best for me is very comforting. Another thing is my need for structure and routine. This has forced me to stop and look again at my children. Some of them are similar to me and do better with routine but I do have some who love and thrive on spontaneity. I am already beginning to relax in so many areas because I know that if I don't overcome the unhealthy aspect for structure/control of my everyday life I am going to end up really frustrated and I will have some very uninspired children. So, the trip to the beach next summer isn't thrown out the window - it will just be tweaked. My children will still love seeing the waves, playing in the water, running in the sand even if there is another child along.

And finally, I have been mulling over the verse that states "children are a blessing from the Lord." I am looking at that verse differently now. I always looked at it and just took it at face value - yes, each and everyone of my children are a blessing and have added so much joy to my life. But could there be a deeper meaning? Could it be that the blessing really lies in my daily mundane tasks? Could it be that the blessing is in fact the work God does in our hearts as we embrace each child? For me the thought of another child was at first completely overwhelming. Why? Basically, I was seeing the additional work and the sleepless nights. What God has shown me is that all my reasons for balking at this surprise are selfish reasons!! The blessing for me in this is if I embrace the work God wants to do within my heart I will be more blessed as a result. I will become more like Him, less self-focused and find joy in loving and serving my family. I have a hard time getting this point out of my heart/head and written down. I just know that half of that verse is the blessing that comes from embracing the life of my child, once again laying myself down and telling God to go ahead and take over my life! I will say it is easier said than done though!