Facing My Fears

There is this part of me that few people know. My husband knows this part better than anyone. It is the part of me that has had to battle deep levels of fear that could have the capacity to cripple me. I have found so much freedom in the past 5 years but found that as I approached my last birthday that I was resisting this year coming up. The age 32 somehow for me seemed like a bad year and if I could make it through this year than great! Let me explain.

My earliest memories of childhood revolve around fear! Nightmares more frequent than I can explain. Reoccurring nightmares of being kidnapped. I was always being pursued, always almost getting away, waking up in a panic! I hated going to bed. I would sleep with my windows locked, would check under my bed multiple times, would lay awake fearing sleep itself because of the nightmares that would follow. I thought it was normal so I never divulged just how scared I was. My mother new I had nightmares because I would run to her and crawl in bed with her. But I don't know that I would reveal the nature of the dreams.

My other big fear as a child (as though being tormented and convinced I was going to be kidnapped wasn't enough) was fire. I was sure our house would catch on fire while we slept and I would wake up in time to know what was happening but not enough time to escape.

I have a few reasons I think I dealt so hugely with fear but the biggest one was my father was gone a lot of nights for his job. I vividly remember wondering who would protect us if something happened. I knew in my little heart and mind that was a job of a father but I sure didn't feel safe. I would assure myself that my brothers would keep me safe. That they had guns in their rooms so if someone tried to take me I was sure they would come to my rescue. Now, I also know there are many parents who work night shift and there children are unscathed by it. I really had no relationship with my father so I never heard words of reassurance from him. I felt very vulnerable.

So...I was plagued as a child. Fast forward to when I started having my own children. I would wake up at night convinced that someone was in our house. I would wake Mark up, he would trek downstairs to check for me and come back to let me know there was no one there. In my defense the first house we bought had some issues. It really did. We came home one night, our locked door was open, we heard very distinct footsteps upstairs, Mark had me get the kids outside, called the cops and there was no one in our house. We had numerous experiences like that and I was never so glad to move as when we bought a different house.

About 6 years ago I was done with dealing with fear. I had had enough! I realized it was robbing my joy and my life. I started confronting it head on! I armed myself with very specific scriptures and ventured into the fight. I just realized recently how much freedom I have found!! When Mark is gone now at night I fall into bed and fall fast asleep. Before I would have been awake most of the night frozen in fear! I flew to Ethiopia by myself and I hate flying!!

Back to the age of 32. As my birthday drew near I knew I had another hurdle to jump. To find victory over. My mother had breast cancer when I was a young child. Her sister and her brother have also had to have surgery for breast cancer. She has had two aunts that died from breast cancer. There is a lot of it in my family!! So...the odds are a little higher for my sisters and I. My mother was in her mid-forties when she was diagnosed. So why did 32 seem so ominous to me?

I knew two different women who were diagnosed with cancer at age 32 and neither of them are on this earth anymore. My best friend from childhood lost her mother to breast cancer. She was one of the women diagnosed at age 32. I know the deep, deep impact it has had on her family loosing her mother. I will not share her story because it is personal and not mine to share. I just know that the thought of dying while I have young children is terrifying to me! I was privileged to be in her wedding this past summer and I was so aware of the fact that her mother wasn't there. How much more aware was she? I am in tears as I type this because I cannot imagine the loss on both ends. Her loss and her mothers loss. How proud her mother would be to see her beautiful children!

So, as 32 drew closer and closer I found myself with a knot in my stomach. I realize that I still have far to go in my battle with fear. I don't want to fear death so much that I miss living with abandonment now! I don't want to fear the loss of any of my children so much that I keep a tight reign on them and stifle them. I want to live in freedom! With abandon! I want to live in such a way that no matter when I leave this earth I know that I have truly lived!

Just this past week after nearly loosing an aunt in childbirth I once again had to stare in the face of mortality. In the midst of uncertainty I realized that I have been 32 now for nearly 3 months and haven't once thought about impending doom! I am so grateful! And I am incredibly grateful for God's grace in preserving the life of my aunt so she can raise her beautiful daughter!

I am finding peace. I have found enormous freedom! And I am so thankful. Because living life is much better than fearing life!!