Opening Up

Sometimes I am hesitant to reveal the more difficult moments in parenting because this is an open blog and also because I am writing this as sort of a family journal that I anticipate our children may one day read. I don't want my children to read anything that may cause them to feel ashamed, unloved or vulnerable. So I will tentatively and hopefully sensitively write about our last few months with Eden.

I started noticing some changes in Eden shortly after Heidi's birth. This didn't surprise me. Tristan reacted pretty horribly the first few weeks Eden was home and we had been through the "add another sibling" numerous times. But...we were dealing with completely different circumstances and issues this time around.

At first it was just an increase in her already typical 2 year old behavior. One of my very first big warning signs was anytime there was another woman in our home she would completely ignore me. Would not want me to help her, touch her, hold her....she just wanted the other woman. I was extremely uncomfortable with this behavior but mistakenly thought it was just a phase.

Then, she wanted to potty train since Tristan was now using the potty. She initiated which was great and she did a knock-out job of mastering the potty. So, I was completely unprepared for the tactics that followed a few months later. She would purposefully pee on the floor right in front of the toilet, or would stand on the toilet and pee before I could get to the bathroom. Or just sit somewhere and pee in her pants. This is after being completely and totally potty trained for over 2 months with almost no accidents. I realized immediately that these were not accidents but had no clue how to address the problem.

She also began getting up at night and coming over to our room. Over and over and over. Every night for weeks. I would be working with her for an hour to two hours nightly.

By now my patience was non-existent and I was really clueless on how to address things. I called our social worker (duh) who had done our home study and peppered her with questions. She was a God send to us during the past few months. She has helped us in so many ways and has stood behind us cheering us on. She explained that there are three areas that adopted children tend to act out the most: eating, potty and sleeping. These are the only three areas they have complete and total control over. So when life feels out of control they will act out in these areas. Hmmm.....made complete sense to me. She also said that if we cut back on who has interaction with her for a season we will see improvement. She gave us the analogy of walking through a tall, grassy field. If you have a bunch of people walking through the field wherever they want there is no clear path made. But if you have a few people walking on the same path everyday the path becomes worn and predictable. Basically, we needed to be the ones walking with Eden day in and day out to wear down the grass and make a clear path in her brain. She was still figuring out a nuclear family. And Lisa (our social-worker) said that her little brain was still confused over the mother/child bond. That some kids it takes a bit longer.

Here is what I have learned through the past few months. We made some critical mistakes at the beginning of our attachment process with her. I mistakenly saw her warmth with other people as a positive thing. It wasn't. A well-bonded child will gravitate to their mother for all their needs. They are usually pretty uncomfortable with even extended family members. Looking back I know we should have enforced her not being held by other people other than us for the first 3-6 months. I can't go back and undo those months but I can re-create them. So that is what we have done since the beginning of January. We have shrunk her world considerably. We have cut back on the amount of people who have been in our home, we have not left her with a baby-sitter more than 2-3 times and tried to wait until after we had tucked her into bed, we haven't gone to church a whole lot, etc. I have had her with me almost constantly. And here is what I have seen happen.

She wants to be with me! And I want to be with her! As the interaction with other people diminished we saw amazing things beginning to happen. The screaming, thrashing, hitting, peeing, sleeplessness all started becoming less and less. We started sensing a softness in her. She was beginning to trust us. She was beginning to feel secure.

A month or so ago I asked for people to pray specifically for us. I cannot thank the handful of women who responded enough for your support!! Knowing people were praying and supporting us made a huge difference in my emotions. I didn't feel alone. I didn't feel isolated. I felt loved and validated! Thank you, thank you! I know we have seen huge progress largely due to your prayers.

We have experienced a lot of progress and we now know what triggers the regressive behaviors. On Saturday I hosted a baby shower at my house for Mark's sister who is about to have a baby. I thought I prepared Eden well for the influx of women to invade our home and I figured it would only be a few hours so the damage shouldn't be too bad. Well....it took her a good three days to return to her happy self. On Sunday, she peed in her pants 5 times! She did a lot of screaming and had to have many time-outs on her time-out pillow. She was up at night. It does something internally within her and I still cannot put my finger on what happens. Anyone have any insight? Even in the regression I see progress. The fits are shorter, the peeing comes under control faster, the sleepless nights may be only 1 or 2 instead of a week or two. There is progress.

We are trying to figure out how to incorporate these types of events into our life again without causing too much damage. She seems fine if we go places but when people invade her space it is a definite trigger.

I know this post is all over the place but things keep coming to mind. I started verbally assuring her during the day many, many times. Things like, "You are my girl. I love that you are my girl." We really started spelling out for her and explaining to her that she is OUR girl and she can be other people's friend. Like grandma, her cousins, etc. She would go up to the grandma's and say, "I'm your girl." So...we sat her down and told her she needs to stop. We also told her that mommy's lap is for snuggling and holding and she can sit next to other people. This may sound extreme but it is what we felt necessary. She quickly owned it as her own and would verbally tell people, "You can't hold me but I can sit next to you." Smart little whip! But it made a difference. She so quickly comes to me now! And for a long time she wanted to initiate the affection but now she is quick to receive affection too. I must say I got really tired of her telling me 20 times a day, "I'm your girl mom. And I'm your friend." But I tried to always answer her with a hug, a smile and a "yes you are."

I have learned so much over the past 6 months. They have been some of the hardest months of parenting yet but we are reaping some wonderful rewards. Having shrunk our world has helped with our relationships with all our kids because we have had a lot of quality time at home. And it has been precious.

I can say in all honesty today that I am completely in love with little girl! She has been instrumental in teaching me so much and for that I am grateful. I have needed God in a whole new capacity and I need other women in a whole new capacity as well. This journey is not for us to walk alone.

So that is a brief and scattered post on our relationship with our daughter. We love her and are committed to making sure she feels secure and has no reason to doubt our love for her. And I love taking her places with me. She loves having time with me without the boys. She doesn't seem to mind having Heidi tag along. We sing in the van (she loves to sing and can carry a tune - hurrah), we chat about nonsense and have frequent pee brakes. She has endless energy which I don't understand. She loves her brothers and needs hugs from them every night as she goes to bed. She has added a dose of life to our home that is priceless!