Family Size

Another question I hear frequently is, "So....do you think you are done?" As in done having children. Or adding children. Or parenting more children.

Again...a very touchy and often controversial subject. I have found people have really strong opinions about sizes of families. While large families are nothing new for us (I am one of 6 and Mark is one of 8) it is something akin to a 7th wonder of the world if you are all seen together. And we only have 5 children. And I don't say 'only 5' lightly. Because when you tell people you have 5 they suddenly seem to acquire some sort of bulging eye issue.


I had Heidi and Eden with me on Friday when I was getting groceries. Heidi was asleep in her car seat and Eden was 'helping' me push the cart through the store. In my mind we were having a very successful shopping trip which basically means the mom isn't feeling frazzled by her children. A woman glanced at me and said, "Wow! You have your hands full!" I was thinking to myself....really? Because I have one child who is sleeping peacefully and another child who was actually being helpful. Why were my hands full?


I have heard often and actually at one point almost believed the common argument that there is more dysfunction in larger families. That children feel lost, unseen and cannot have their needs met when in large families. Can I just say this: EVERY family has dysfunction! The size of the family does not dictate whether or not dysfunction will be present. Our human nature and sinfulness is what causes the dysfunction. I know there are varying degrees of dysfunction- you just have to watch people, watch the news, read the news to be aware of that fact. I will never forget the day my therapist confirmed my greatest fears: Becky....you will hurt your children. You will do many things wrong. They may need counseling of their own. But is counseling so bad? Hmmmm.....no it isn't bad at all. In fact, I learned more about myself sitting on her couch than almost anywhere else.


What about the idea that children will feel lost and unseen in their own home? Again...does the size of the family dictate that? Or do our hobbies, our busy lives, our "stuff" ultimately decide for us. So much hinges on personalities of children too. We have one son who demands very little of my time, is content to play alone, etc. I have to make a very conscious effort to connect with him. He is a child who could become 'lost'. I doesn't matter if we have 7 or 3 children. He would still have the same personality and I would still have to make the effort. We also have children who could dominate all my time and could dictate the dynamics of our home. We are aware of this and work daily to make sure they do not get all the attention. Do we do things perfectly? Obviously not!! Far from perfect. In fact so many days I tell Mark I am screwing my children up. I still have baggage to work through and will all my life.


Which brings me to this: we are flawed! Life is flawed! But there is redemption!! I am who I am because of how I was raised and my life experiences thus far! Has my life been perfect? No. Has it been blessed? Absolutely! I am more appreciative of my Father God because my earthly father did little to meet this "little" girls needs. While God has brought tremendous healing and redemption I sit here and still tear up as I type this. The pain is always raw. But I am who I am because of it. I could sit here and wish things would have been different. I could sit here and wonder what life would have been like. But why? I am comfortable with who I am and extremely grateful for my life! Look at Old Testament. Look at the story of Joseph for example. Obvious dysfunction! He was clearly a favorite out of the boys, his brothers despised him for it, sold him.....you know the story. But look at the redemption! Or what about David' life. A very sordid tale. But again...the lineage of Jesus was birthed out of brokenness!


For me, the dysfunction that I have experienced in my life has made me so aware that I need a Savior. I need a Redeemer! It really doesn't matter if there are 2, 4, 6, 8, 10.....children! I will parent, love, mess up, ask for forgiveness, admit my brokenness and do the best I can at raising the children God has blessed me with.


**I started this post two days ago and am just getting back to it. I am just going to wrap it up and continue on with a few more thoughts the next time. I really hope this is filled with grace and doesn't feel in anyway like judgement.