I am sitting at home tonight with a very quiet house. It is making me really think and re-evaluate some things. Mark too the two older boys to Baltimore to his grandmothers 90th birthday party. Turning 90 is an amazing milestone and that alone has been getting mind pondering things. Add to that a quiet and relatively neat house and it makes me think even more.
So many of my frustrations as a wife and stay-at-home mom revolve around "stuff". Having a messy and chaotic home creates inner turmoil. I operate better with systems, things in their place......If I walk into a room and unsuspecting find a host of things out of place it can at times make the ugliest parts of me emerge.
Tonight after getting Eden and Tristan to bed I realized the house was pretty tidy already. I spent the day at my sisters' house so there wasn't ample opportunity to create disorder. As I was unloading the dishwasher I realized that I actually was missing the noise and demands of my older two. The very thing that at the end of the day annoys me I am now missing! Am I going crazy people?
I know that 25-30 years from now I will desperately wish my house were messy. I remember a dear friend of ours who really encouraged us in our adoption, having adopted 3 themselves, told me something that helped shape some of my thought patterns. This couple is in their mid-fifties so folks have wondered why they opted to adopt children when they were nearing retirement age. She said this to me, "Yeah..we could have a quiet home and a home that's spotless. But a home with noise and messes reflect life. I would rather have a messy house where life is happening than a dull quiet home." Now...I know this isn't necessarily the thought process most of us follow. For me though, I am trying desperately to remember this. Because everything in my home is replaceable and while I may enjoy my "things" they aren't more important than the spirit of my child.
Does this mean we allow our children to run wild and ruin things? Of course not. That is not what I am saying at all. I think we all know the difference between teaching our children boundaries and responsibility than being too hard on them and expecting more than we should. There is an invisible line that is far too easy for me to cross.
I enjoyed having some quiet moments one-on-one with Tristan and Eden tonight. I read the book "I Love You Stinky Face" to Tristan so many times and every time we got to the last line in the book he would look at me with the biggest smile. The last line is a mama saying to her son, "I love you my wonderful child."
My children are indeed wonderful. Each and every one of them. And tonight for some reason I am more aware than usual of what an incredibly blessed woman I am. You may need to remind me of that in the middle of the night or in the early morning when things are rockin' and rollin' around here earlier than I would choose. But for now I am going to savor the sweetness of the moment.
1 comment:
I feel that way a lot too. I function much better with things in order, and I find the not so nice qualities in myself emerge when things are out of place as well. I have the same thoughts in the middle of the night, or during the rare times when someone else has the boys - that I actually miss the chaos of them. And even when I am yelling, it is always in the back of my mind that perhaps I am being too harsh. I know I will someday long for those fingerprints on the windows, socks and underwear on the couch, legos under foot. We are only human, and it's normal to be frustrated from time to time. I just had a similar conversation with my sister in law, because I was beating myself up for being too hard on Jacob. It's all about finding a balance, which is so much easier said than done. What she pointed out,and what I think you are good at(and I hope I am too)is being a good example overall. That means letting go sometimes and sometimes being too hard, because it means you care. It means teaching responsibility and boundaries, and sometimes that means that we need to be a little "harsh." The world will not treat our kids nicely all the time, and it's our job to prepare them to handle all that they come upon in stride. They see the good in you, and the patience you have far outweighs the times that you don't have it. Just the fact that you realize how blessed you are indicates that! I hope you got a good night's sleep and feel refreshed today. Enjoy the time you have with the three younger ones!
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