Sweet Moments

A very familiar sight around this house these days. Lots and lots of snuggle time for me and the little babe.

I am exceedingly glad I resisted the urge to blog during the night when my emotions were running askew & my view of life was distorted. Somehow the world looks so different in the morning. Circumstances haven't changed - perspective has changed.

I will give an update on Heidi first & then give you some laughs. Heidi has had a very rough few days. Which means in code terms that everyone has had a rough few days. When I am tired & deprived of sleep I have a difficult time not seeing everyone in my path as some sort of nemesis. I would love to paint a rosy picture for you but that would be far from the truth. I have never been more aware of my humanness & selfish tendencies. I think that has been one of the hardest things for me over the past few weeks. Having to take a good hard look at myself and not being too thrilled with what I see.

Since Friday Heidi has been having trouble nursing. She is super excited to eat but shortly after latching on pulls off screaming and writhing. I finally called the doctor yesterday but he was unconcerned. Either that or wasn't happy being bugged on a beautiful Sunday afternoon. She isn't dehydrated or anything. She is just uncomfortable when eating. This has made the days and nights seem long. When she is awake she lets out blood curdling screams as soon as you put her down. She has to be held!! She doesn't seem unscathed by everything. She is growing nicely and is so beautiful!

So what has been my problem you ask? Well......guilt over not enjoying her too much as of late. Guilt because I feel so unavailable to my other four children. Guilt because my tongue has been quick to speak untruths and my mind has been even quicker to believe them. Focusing so much on the difficult moments that I miss the lighter moments. And yes...I know that guilt is not from God. I know, I know. It still swirls around me viciously at times. All in all I know that my children will come through their childhood with a few wounds from me but hopefully they will not be scarred. It is just inevitable that I will fail them and as a result there will be wounds. And now I am totally overreacting so I will stop before someone feels the need to shut me up.

For some humor: I was trying to console Judah yesterday after he was unsuccessful at keeping two week old robins alive. Their mother met her demise somehow (we suspect the stray cat) and Judah took it upon himself to be their mother. He told me at one point that he was proud of himself. Humility anyone? So....the babies died yesterday morning in the nest their mother built for them and was now in a box on the back porch. He was quite teary so I was doing my best to be empathetic. I assured him that he had done a marvelous job feeding them worms and caring for them but they just really needed their momma. I told him he could pick a spot outside to bury them so he would have a place to remember them. I started telling him of a time when I was a similar age and my kitty was hit on the road - by my neighbor. I buried the kitty close to the barn and sat next to it all day crying. I so vividly remember that day. I remember feeling very "little house on the prairie" ish with the wind blowing my dress and my long braids (weird I know) Anyway, I tell Judah that I spent the entire day by the burial spot and he looked at me kind of funny. He said very incredulously, "You didn't even have a snack?" So much for trying to relate to my son. As of today I don't think he has even thought of his two birds. He is back to honing in his hunting skills which means shooting birds again. That was the whole ironic thing for me - he was trying to save two helpless birds that he would have no qualms shooting later. Hmmm.....

One last thing and if you don't like potty humor it is best you stop reading. Tristan is very into his poop right now. We usually have to discuss size, shape and color of his poops upon completion. He must feel validated or something by his pooping abilities. Yesterday when he was done he wondered if there was corn in it, Strange since we hadn't had corn to eat. This morning he said to me, "Oh...is it nasty?" I was thinking, "Did you have to ask?" Boys. They are absolutely gross in so many ways but indisputably cute.

Now that I have typed most of this post with one hand while feeding Heidi (this was typed over numerous feedings) I will go outside and try to get something done or play with the boys since both girls are sleeping. Or maybe I will sit on the porch next to my husband and tell him all the things I am grateful for. That will get my focus in the right place.