Emotions surrounding the topic of Adoption

I have been mulling over this whole concept of adoption yet again. We are of course through the "honeymoon" phase and the reality has set in. It is a good reality - there is no regret and I can't imagine there ever will be. I was talking with a friend last week who is preparing to bring home their little girl from Ethiopia next month. They have been through this before - they have one son from Russian, a daughter and a son from Ethiopia and this will be their fourth child. She is a seasoned parent and her input is invaluable to me. We were talking about the romanticized notion many people have going into this whole process. I don't necessarily feel like I romanticized it too much simply because I have grown up watching adoption take place in my family. What I wasn't prepared for is the feelings of guilt I sometimes have because I find myself getting frustrated with Eden just like I do with the boys. Mark thinks this is a positive thing because I am not giving her preferential treatment. The reality is your children are the same no matter how they arrive to be your child. They invoke the same feelings within you - joy, a sense of fulfillment watching them grow, frustration, exasperation, ...... you know the drill.

I look at Eden on a daily basis and think, "What would she be experiencing if she were still at the orphanage? Would this beaming little girl be so happy? Or would she feel a sense of longing that is innate in all of us to belong?" Eden continues to just unfold and blossom right in front of us. She has so much personality and it emerges more everyday.

Before we fully committed to adoption I had some crazy misconceptions or basically just made myself believe things that were not based on anything true. I hate to even write down one of the biggest ones for fear that I will be perceived as callous and unfeeling. It was just a defense mechanism for me so I would not have to engage in the plight of a majority of the world. So....here goes.

I somehow convinced myself that parents of children in third world countries where almost numb to loss. All around them they watch parents giving their children to institutions because of poverty or illness. One day their neighbor may have 5 children and the next maybe only 3. I'm sure they don't ask where the other two children are - there is an understanding. Why is there an understanding? Because the pain runs way deeper than I can ever fathom. Just because it is a way of life and a part of survival doesn't mean that the loss is any easier. The truth is no matter where you are born or what your culture is like instinct kicks in. Now, I can only speak from a maternal perspective. But I know that every mother regardless of her situation loves her children more than herself. At least most of the time - I know there are exceptions. What I'm trying to say is this - when I finally allowed myself to imagine looking at my children and picking which ones I could keep and which ones I would have to give up I about came undone. Yes, this is the reality for a majority of the world and it is a means of survival. But my goodness!!! How incredibly shallow of me to think that it is somehow easier for women I have never met to relinquish a part of themselves into the hands of complete strangers. I'm sure you have heard the phrase, "Once you are a mother a piece of your heart will forever walk outside of your body." I cannot agree more. So, is this only true for wealthy westerners? Or does this hold true no matter origin, ethnicity and social status? Of course it is true!! We are all made in the image of God and we all carry the same emotions.

I have much more to say about different of my experiences and thoughts. I think I may take a few days to get this out there. Some things may sound full of judgement which I ask that you just give me grace. I am still sorting through my feelings but this is part of processing for me.

I will leave you with this. A blog address of a family who met the birth mother of their two sons and went through exactly what I described above. Please read it and allow yourself to grieve with her loss and rejoice at the same time. http://waitingforourheartsdesire.blogspot.com/ Read the March 31st post to meet the mother of their boys.

Also, when you are finished reading this take a minute and think of your children. And if your children are grown think back to when they were young. I look at Judah and Shane and I vividly remember seeing children their age with siblings Tristan's age strapped to their backs and walking the streets. Chances are they are orphans. Now it is the responsibility of the oldest to care for the younger sibling(s). This is a way of life for them. What really breaks my heart though is what happens when people around them find out they are alone. They are easy prey for anyone. And trust me - they become someones prey. I don't mean to be a sicko or play on your emotions. But sometimes at night when I go back into our kids rooms to re-tuck them in I imagine them alone and at the mercy of someone who does not have their best in mind. I was challenged by a woman who had been in Swaziland for a year to do this very thing - imagine your children alone, without any protectors and then the emotions your feel and the tears you begin to cry - cry for the millions of children who are in that position and cry out to God to be their defender. Sorry this post is a little heavier than most. My heart is just burdened today for the forgotten children of the world.