A Few Thoughts on Loneliness

I am lying on the couch this Sunday morning as my kids play around me. I love listening to the chattering amongst them. This morning they have been looking at a book with sea life in it and talking a lot about sharks. Mark has been out of town this weekend and I have gained, yet again, a greater appreciation for women whose husbands travel for business and for military wives. It is tiring being the sole disciplinarian, sole mediator to the fights, sole diaper changer.....you get the point.

I am not sure what is on the agenda for today. I have to kind of plan things on the fly lately (really challenging the planner in me) since my back can be different from day to day. Some mornings I wake up and I know that it will be more of a survival day and then some days I wake up and know it won't hurt to live life. I ended up cancelling my appointment with the specialist because my back had been feeling much better. Of course a few days after the cancelled appointment everything seemed to go down hill again. So here I am, trying to figure out what to do with all the kiddos today to help pass the time. As of this morning my back is ouchy enough that I am not going to attempt the great wrestling match to get everyone ready for church. Maybe by this afternoon I will feel like surprising this kids with something fun. I can't make any suggestions here though since Shane is sitting next to me reading as I write. (he started giggling reading this)

I have been finding lately a bit of loneliness settling into my soul. Are you familiar with it? Kind of an achy feeling deep within. I am always confused when I get assailed by loneliness. It is a very cyclical feeling/emotion for me. Sometimes I almost feel that homesick feeling but I am already home. Sometimes I feel very isolated. Like I am the only person driving down the road. Sometimes I feel misunderstood. Like people don't understand me. Or I feel like an oddity. As though something is inherently wrong with me since I am content to be home with my kids, since I don't have insatiable desires to go out with friends, that I must be crazy to rather be at home tucking my children into their beds. When I start questioning myself I begin to feel isolated.

I heard someone say over 10 years ago that loneliness is God's cry for intimacy with us! That single comment has stuck with me. Sometimes (like this small season I have been experiencing) the loneliness I feel cannot be satisfied by anything or anyone but my Father. Quiet moments spent savoring His goodness. Moments spent recounting His faithfulness. Moments recognizing the beauty in the diversity He has created within my children. Moments crying out for His strength as I attempt to train those same children. (like right now as they are having a hitting match)

Having friends, my sisters, my mom who I can call when I feel alone is a beautiful gift. And seasons of loneliness can be a gift as well. It causes me to be introspective and causes me to evaluate my life. And the view from my couch right now says I am blessed beyond words! Now...if I can only figure out how to view the fighting as a gift somehow. But I am coming up empty handed.