Monday, January 12, 2009

Staying Above Water

Today is one of those days. You know the kind I mean. The ones people don't like to talk about. The days where you feel like you are failing as a mom because if you stop and listen to yourself interact with your children it sure doesn't seem like they are priority. You hear a lot of, "Stop running....Don't talk to your brother with that tone in your voice........Quiet down while Eden sleeps.....Why are you continuing to complain about.....and on and on it goes. So much negative feedback instead of reassuring them of what they are doing right. But honestly, some days they aren't doing a whole lot right.

I have been working in the office this afternoon while Eden sleeps getting caught up on bills, purging files and getting everything ready for this new year. I am trying to get all this out of the way so I can get started on the billing from the crazy ice and snow storms we just had.

While working I am mulling over how I have been talking to my boys this morning and wondering how often God gets tired of hearing me. And thinking that even if I am doing a lot wrong (which I'm sure is more often than I would allow myself to believe) that God extends a lot more grace and love to me than I often extend to my children. Why do I expect so much out of them? Why can't I see that they receive so much joy just from running, romping and creating mayhem in the house? Why do I care so much about people's impressions of my children? As though other people matter more than the children God has entrusted and blessed us with.

I am finding lately that the older two boys seem to be withdrawing from me. It makes me feel half panicky. I am sure a lot of the separation is normal and healthy but I still wonder sometimes if they feel misplaced by the little ones. They prefer their fathers company over mine - of course. As Judah and Shane walked up the stairs last night to get ready for bed I said to Mark, "Where have our little boys gone?" Rarely do they need affirmation from their mom - it is almost always from their father. Rarely do they desire to snuggle with mom - they would rather wrestle and get run burns with their dad.

This is coming out very jumbly. Maybe it is a lot of pregnancy hormones. Maybe it is the natural tendency of being a mother to boys coupled with the quiet voice of my Father telling me to slow down and not waste so much time and energy on things that have no lasting importance. To instead see His heart within each of my children and call it out!

3 comments:

Barb said...

I used to get jealous over Marsh's relationship with the kids because it seemed to me that I got stuck with the don't do that, don't touch that, eat that, and clean up that to where I was seemingly just the drill Sargent instead of the loving mom that I wanted to be. But like you said, what do you do when you have to be that person!? I remember saying to Marsh that I was the mean-ol-mom-lady while he got to be the fun-guy-dad. It brought me to tears once at least that I remember.

Good news is that they won't always need the mean-ol-mom-lady persona and as they grow up your relationship with them can and does change. Now I'm the favorite!!

What you are doing is perfect. Decide where you need to fight, where you need to overlook and how to do it in the kindest way possible, looking for the opportunities to snuggle/wrestle/tickle and laugh as much as possible.

And look forward to the day when Mark can be the mean-ol-dad-person and you are the favored Mom!!

(ps: here goes, becky ;0)

steffany said...

I have those days as well. I'm kind of grateful for them though-You know to be aware of how desperately I need God and a fresh perspective. It's the days that I feel so totally in control that I worry about:) You know what I mean.

Koelle said...

Becky, don't be so hard on yourself, although I know those words are so much easier to say than to embrace. You are a wonderful mom - I've seen it firsthand over and over! I think we all feel that way from time to time - that we aren't doing enough, that we aren't allowing them to be just kids, that we expect too much and that they resent us for it. But in reality, if we looked through their eyes, we would see things differently. And if we didn't expect much of them, then they would never learn to expect more of themselves. It is our job to be their mentors, and that means criticism as well as praise.

I look at Andrew, and already I see that he prefers Greg to me when it comes to play. But then there are times when it is very apparent that the boys need ME, not Greg, or BOTH of us, not just one. It depends on the situation, and that's why it's so important for kids to have two parents. It provides them with two very different perspectives, methods of bonding and sets of skills to give them to call on later in life. You both have a lot to offer your boys, each of you uniquely essential to their well-being.

I don't know anything more guilt-ridden than raising kids (and I'm a Catholic, born and raised, so I know guilt!) Try to relax, take it day by day, minute by minute if you have to, and realize that you are not God, so you'll never be able to extend as much mercy as He does. Just giving it your whole-hearted effort is all you have to do - and you do that very well.