Love

I have been reading and devouring numerous books again on adoption and the challenges that often follow.  I had read, knew so many who walked the path of adoption before us and thought I was prepared for whatever came next.  I wasn't.  Just like when you become a parent for the first time.  You are sure you are so ready but there is nothing that can completely prepare you for what happens after the baby leaves your womb and is placed in your arms.  Your world is forever changed! 

So it is with adoption.  You think you are ready, you have prepared, you have read until your head is about to explode yet nothing prepares you for the daily walking out of parenting children who carry hidden wounds.  I am constantly reminding myself to separate the behavior from the child.  Abandonment, whether it be through death or by choice, is a wound that is treacherous at best.  I find myself so often feeling like I am on the edge of a slippery slope.  I know the behaviors and words aren't truly directed at me but my feet start going out from under me and before I realize what is happening I am tumbling down the slope - in my heart and mind.  Words that aren't meant to harm come from both our mouths and we find ourselves in each others arms crying tears that heal.  I find myself telling her so often lately, "We are never going to leave you.  We are in this forever.  I will NOT leave you no matter what!"  Maybe I shouldn't utter those words since I can't truly guarantee them but as much I can control I will be with her for the long haul.

Today she wanted to talk again about her first home and first mom.  She has spoken often of her first mother lately.  It's as though she desperately needs to make a connection with her.  We speak of her death and try to sort through how and why she died.  As I have been reading some different books lately I am learning the fantasy world a lot of adopted children live in.  They make up a world about how things happened, why they happened, what their first family was like, etc.  It makes sense to me as she talks and processes.  She has said recently that she really wishes her first mommy wouldn't have died because then she could still be with her.  I felt a momentary prick of something akin to jealously until I realized that of course she should wish those things.  I should feel free to affirm those feelings in her and I did.  I told her I really wish her first mommy wouldn't have died so her little heart wouldn't hurt. 

A few days later she told me I am the best mommy she ever had.  If my boys said off handed remarks like that I would chuckle and move on but on this particular day I stopped and thought to myself, "I wish that innocent statement didn't carry the weight that it does."  She of course wasn't comparing me and her first mother but it struck me none the less.

It pains me that children carry deep wounds.  I carry my own.  One thing I am praying:  is that we are agents for His healing love to touch and start making the open wounds in her heart close up and develop a scar.  You see, a scar can be touched, even hit and it won't re-injure or cause pain at the sight of the previous injury.  That is when you know healing has taken place.  If poking and prodding the affected sight still causes you to wince and grimace from the pain then more healing needs to happen.  I know this to be true in my own life.

To my two daughters who have come to me and carry the pain and scars of abandonment:  you are loved deeply, truly and completely!  My heart hurts for you as I carry a similar wound.  My wound may not run as deep but it is still very tender.  Maybe God brought us together to be agents in each others healing.  I love you both!

"Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails!"  ~1 Cor. 13:4-8