Weariness

So this evening I had a small revelation of sorts. Nothing too major. Very simple really. I have been kind of moody lately and just couldn't figure out what is wrong with me. Lack of patience with the kids, wishing for some solitude, feeling like I am failing miserably as I attempt to navigate the intricacies of the many dynamics involving relationships in our home.....you get the picture. I have been feeling almost melancholy and wondering where my joy has gone?

Tonight I was walking back the hallway and pondering yet again why I was feeling slightly sour. Mark had the two older boys out at a gun shop (yikes) and I had the younger three. We were doing the whole bedtime routine and once again I was meeting some resistance. They rarely want to go potty since they are sure they do not have to go. I kid you not...every night Tristan exclaims from the bathroom, "Yup! You were right mom. I had to pee." And I want to say, "Big surprise" but I bite my tongue.

Back to feeling grumpy. As I walked back the hallway to help with jammies I quietly said in my spirit, "Why Lord do I feel so weary?" You can look at the day to day demands and see why I might be weary and tired. But even though I often feel physically tired this is a different weariness. It is the kind that settles into your bones. The kind that robs your joy. The kind that makes you begin to look at yourself more than others. It is a weariness of spirit. I realized in that moment that amidst all the demands of the day I have become too busy to seek out the source of my strength. I have been trying to accomplish everything in my own strength. A sure set-up for fatigue and a recipe for discontent.

In the same moment I remembered a promise that is given to me in Matthew 11. "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for our souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

I don't know about you but I find this promise to be incredibly life giving!! I have been trying to sort through daily challenges that seem plentiful in our home right now in my own strength. With what little wisdom I have gleaned. Apparently I am not very wise based on the progress we are making. Wow! I am convinced that having a "larger" family forces everyone to face their selfish carnal nature. Including the mother much to her dismay!

So I find myself this evening also banking on the promise found in Acts 3 which says, "Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord." I am choosing to lay my sin of self-reliance down so that I may have it wiped clean and I can walk in the refreshing of the Lord."

This isn't an easy fix. Just like so much of life we need to walk things out and allow God to bring them to completion. I need to draw near to the Father, the source of my strength, the source of my life and rest in Him. This doesn't mean I sit idle and do nothing. It means I walk out the life set before me while relying on Him to sustain me.

Long story short....I feel renewed and hopeful tonight. I am grateful that when I seek answers He is faithful to meet me.