The Quandary

It's time I divulge my ongoing quandary I suppose.  While I enjoy immensely writing and sharing my humble thoughts I have come to a place of unrest. 

I was talking with a friend recently about what I like about reading blogs but also what I don't like.  This friend is kind of anti-blogs because of the difficulty of seeing the whole picture.  Everyone likes the upbeat, pretty pictures, artsy, funny, leave me feeling inspired blogs but most of my life is the daily pounding out, cleaning up both physical and emotional messes, falling flat on my face kind of days.  And who really wants to read about those?  I had to laugh though as we talked about the pretty instagram, soft and fuzzy pictures you see all the time.  My friend said, "Yeah, well look at life through my glasses and they are foggy all right.  From little fingerprints!"  So very true.

As I have struggled with often feeling like my blog isn't very artsy or pretty I have come to realize that I am much more simplistic in nature.  Therefore it would be natural to reflect that in the cyber world.  This doesn't mean that I won't be contacting my dear friend Katie to help update things and give my blog a much needed makeover.  It just means that my more simplistic approach to life is going to come through - even here.

So bear with me as I start trying to sort through thoughts, feelings and daily life.  You can help us celebrate when we have a week of no explosive angry fits from our daughter who is working very hard to not let her anger consume her! You can celebrate birthdays and other fun milestones with us - like first baseball games and first turkey harvested! You can laugh at my daughters dismay when finding out her sister and friends didn't want to have a butt party with her after she had already completely disrobed and sat naked with tears streaming down her face. 

Oh yes!  Life is never, ever dull at this house.

Still Kicking

We are in fact still alive and kicking around here.  This week has been the first week that has felt "normal" since mid-February.  And by normal I mean that we haven't been to the doctor more than once this week.  This means I have been home more which makes me very happy.  I am perfectly content to not have to start up my car and go anywhere for 3 days in a row.  That will be ending next week as Shane will be starting baseball.  Not sure how we agreed to an organized sport except that we experienced a moment of weakness.  Not that we are opposed to having them in sports.  We really want them to play organized sports.  Its just the carting around a lot of small children to accommodate the practices that have me feeling moments of anxiety.  But we will somehow get through it.  Hopefully with smiles on our faces. 

 

I do believe its safe to say we are on the upside of all the illness.  Although the last time I dared utter those words the school called within 30 minutes to say Eden was throwing up.  So I say "we are better" with fear and trembling.  Tristan had 2 ear infections and is on antibiotics again since at his recheck this week his ears were filled with fluid and getting red again. Eden has had bronchitis, an ear infection that was resistant to antibiotics and had the pukes, Heidi has had 2 ear infections and Naomi has had 2 ear infections.  All within 5 weeks!  It has been loads of fun at our house!  I keep thinking surely spring will come but seeing snow flurries again yesterday has me second guessing. Never have I craved spring like this year!  I really need to feel the warmth of the sun and see my kids running out the door in their bare feet.  Hoping that is in the near future!

 One of the nicer and warmer days recently found all my children outside traipsing around collecting things to make a small "fairy garden". 

 I found their various states of dress pretty funny.  Some thought the 40 degree weather was warm while others still needed their winter coats! 

 Working together to assemble their garden.  This morning was a rare treat as I watched my children work together and talk respectfully to each other.  Moments like these are not the norm so I tuck them away and treasure them. 

 Of course our free spirit had to take a break from collecting sticks and acorns and try her hand at the hula-hoop. 

 And then she had to grab a stick and mess in the water for a bit.

 Eden hard a work collecting moss for the grass in the small garden. She is typically the one who is eager to help!  And she is finding great joy in helping others.  As our therapist explained to Eden her heart is growing.  She used the analogy of the Grinch whose heart grew 2 sizes.  I have so much to learn about the impact of early childhood trauma on the neurological development in a child.  But we are making strides in the right direction. And how I love this girl!  She is working so hard right alongside of me!

 Someone else is discovering babies!  So cute!

 One of our many trips to the doctor but they were still happy.

 Always finding new places to tackle his homework.

 Playing with her favorite Ellie the elephant.

And Naomi had her first pom-poms in her hair last week.  It made her look so grown-up!  This week she is deciding to walk half way across rooms until she falls giggling to the floor. I honestly thought she would be walking before now but now that she is figuring it out I am sort of worried about keeping tabs on her.  She takes busy to another level!

A Year Later

 Last year, on this day, our beautiful and unexpected baby girl arrived on our doorstep.  Forever changing us.  In only the best ways possible. I will never forget the feeling in my stomach as we waited for the caseworker to pull into our driveway.  I couldn't eat.  My stomach was in knots.  So excited! And terrified! And then she came through our doorway and straight into our hearts!

 I still look at her in wonder. I sometimes forget she didn't grow within my womb.  She is so much a part of me!  Of us. She has made each of us better people.  She is feisty, active, a climber, into everything, keeps me on my toes but fits right into the rest of this crazy crew! 

 One of my favorite pictures from her birthday.  Even though she wasn't feeling well and just wanted to sit and look at her cake everyone else was so excited!

 There is this part of her that just oozes sweetness.  I can't even explain it.  I just hope it always remains.  She is noisy and yells a lot! Sometimes I get almost embarrassed when we are in public because she is so loud and disruptive.  She is just happy to be living life.

 Couldn't resist the cross-eyed picture! 

Baby girl, I am forever grateful to your first mother for choosing me to love you and call you my own.  What an amazing sacrifice she made!  One that seems unfathomable to me. I stare into your dark eyes almost every day and wish she could see how beautiful and fun you are.  I almost feel guilty for reveling in the beauty of you when she has to wade through the pain of loving you from a distance.  You are a treasure and an unexpected gift from God to our family! 

Happy 1 year home day!!

Kind of Crazy

To say the past few weeks have been crazy would probably rank up there as an understatement.  I have been so grateful that Mark's schedule has been a bit more flexible over the past week to tag team with me more than normal.  I really should start keeping track of how many trips we make to the doctor in a year.  We just might single handedly give our doctor's practice their job security.  On valentines day I took Eden to the doctor and she was diagnosed with bronchitis.  So we started a hefty dose of antibiotics and within 4 days she started feeling pretty good again.  Anything respiratory with her become quite the ordeal.  Residual affects of orphanage life when she had multiple cases of pneumonia.  Our pediatrician is wonderful and takes her asthma and her somewhat finicky respiratory system seriously.  And we are grateful. 

 

A week late to the day we were back to the doctor with the two younger girls.  Both had ear infections.  Heidi woke during the night crying about her ear and by morning it was draining and literally running down her cheek, dripping off her chin onto her shirt.  She was not happy about that development.  We still aren't sure if her tube has come out or just malfunctioned.  Hopefully we will find out at her recheck.  The same day we learned she is eligible for speech therapy to try and help her learn her k and g sounds.  Again, chronic ear infections, multiple sets of tubes have created some hearing issues.  This was the first time she was able to verbally tell me she couldn't hear me.  Second opinion coming up at the end of the month to pursue other treatment options.

 

This week we were back to the doctor again with Tristan. His turn with an ear infection.  Goodness!  Three kids with ear infections in less than a week.  Oh, but it gets better.  Eden finished up her antibiotics and we ended up at the doctor on yesterday where she too was confirmed to have an ear infection.  Four kids on antibiotics for ear infections. "Dumb luck" says the doctor.  At this point I decided to just laugh at the absurdity of it all.  What else can you do?

 

We get home from the doctor and Shane's friend comes to play for the afternoon.  Mark and I were getting ready to head out for a dinner date with my aunt and uncle.  I was so excited to get a bit of a break from all the neediness. Judge me if you will. The kids were outside sticking their bare feet in the remaining snow by the sidewalk.  I thought they were all back in but a split second after the door closes we hear Heidi screaming.  Nothing unusual for her if she is frustrated about not being able to open the door. Mark and Shane go to open the door for her and I hear, "Looks like we are heading to the ER".  Not really words you want to hear especially when you can't see what is going on.  I didn't even look but jumped up to get some wet paper towels because I heard them mention blood.         

 Heidi has a tendency to trip easily while she runs due to her legs turning in.  I feel like I am constantly telling her to slow down because she falls so much.  Apparently she was running, tripped and fell into the outside brick window ledge.  It was clean immediately that she would need a bit more than a bandaid.  Although Tristan ran quickly to bring me a bandaid in case that would help.  Bless him.

 Fortunately for us it is spring break week so the students weren't in town.  Meaning the ER was slower than usual.  We were in a bed within 10 minutes of entering the ER.  She enjoyed the popsicle and the hour of tv she got to watch while waiting for the numbing gel to take affect.  She was good as long as she could hold her daddy's hand. 

 She was a trooper although hearing her scream bloody murder for the 15 minutes it took to stitch her about made me nauseous.  She has a nice shiner and six stitches.

 Here she is today with a swollen eye.  By this afternoon she was back to her rambunctious little self.  Jumping off the couch, running around the house with me yelling after her, "Be careful you don't hit your eye!"  She doesn't want me taking pictures and she doesn't want to look at it in the mirror.  She cries as soon as she see herself.  We keep assuring her that she won't look like this forever but doesn't seem to console her at all. 

 Anyway, Naomi finished her antibiotics yesterday and started with fever again the same day.  She had high fever today and was pretty lethargic.  She snuggled with me a majority of the day but sat with Shane for probably 30 minutes while eating her cheerios.  They are so stinking cute!

And Eden was pretty miserable all day today with fever and ear pain. I am hoping that by tomorrow she will be much improved! 

And for all of those who prayed last evening - thank you!  Heidi and Naomi both slept all night and Eden woke once!  It was miraculous!  Other than the fact that from 4 o'clock on I was worried that Naomi's fever was raging and Heidi was sleeping more than usual because of an undiagnosed head injury with her fall yesterday. But the crazy thing was I was afraid to check on them lest I wake them!  Ha!  I am not ashamed to say I am hoping for another night of sleep like last night.  And to wake to healthy, fever free children!

Cabin Fever

We are officially getting a pretty severe case of cabin fever at this house.  This winter seems long and never ending.  Like every winter feels as February drags on.  I feel as though I am literally craving warmth and sun.  Soon we will be running out the door barefoot again with the smell of sunscreen wafting behind us!

 Until then we bundle up and walk out to greet the school aged kids of the house every afternoon.  Heidi is insistent that she walk along daily to watch them get off the bus.  Then she turns and runs as fast as her little legs will carry her back towards the house!  Or sometimes she hides behind a tree to jump out and scare us. 

 I love my days with her!  She is typically helpful and always stubborn!  Her phrase of late when things are not going the way she wants is "You are breaking mine heart!"

 Heidi took this picture of Naomi and I just think it is sweet.

 An unexpected snow last week had us awaken to a magical winter wonderland!  Everything was covered in snow!!  I initially felt that familiar feeling of annoyance until I really stopped to look.  I stepped outside with the camera to try and capture the beauty.  The sky was dark and brooding in one direction and clear blue in the other

 Tristan's favorite climbing tree!

 And this young man didn't get the memo that it is still winter!  At least he has shoes, gloves and his face mask on.

 She joined in the snowball fight too!

Pre-bedtime snuggles.  She was nearly asleep until she had her breathing treatment.  Albuterol gives "coming out of her skin" a whole new meaning!  Look at that cheesy smile.

Turning Twelve

I still find myself in a state of disbelief that twelve years have already passed since the day Judah entered the world and I became a mother.  I can vividly remember pretty much every detail of the day of his birth.  Mainly, I thought I was going to die.  I was sure of it!  But low and behold I survived.

 It goes without saying that this boy is happiest outside.  Especially if it involves fishing or hunting.  Right now he is convinced he has found coyote tracks on the mountainside.  For the past week he has gone for at least an hour long hike everyday after school.  He puts on his boots, grabs his binoculars and off he goes! 

 These pictures were from the splendid warm days of summer.  Oh how I am ready for the warmth of the sun again!!  Even though it brings the hope of fishing every day much to my dismay!

 We live within a short walk of a great creek but I still find it hard to let him go on his own.  I am sure he is hoping I soon lighten up a little bit. 

 He had a couple of friends over on Saturday to celebrate with him.  Something transpired that made me so incredibly proud of him!  It proved to me that his heard is extremely kind even though I have a hard time seeing past all the foibles.  Why is it so easy for me to only see the areas of character that need tweaked?  I find myself frequently telling him I am sorry if we are too hard on him or expect to much.  I am still figuring this parenting thing out (pretty sure you never completely figure it out).  He is growing and changing and sometimes I have to do a double-take when he enters a room.  Or when he sidles up next to me in the kitchen and offers to help with dinner.  Other times I am confused by the attitude that is starting to show that has never been a part of him before.  Or the tense jaw when he is upset.  When did he start changing into a young man?  With opinions that need to be listened to.  And hurts that are real.  And misconceptions that aren't based on truth and need to be readjusted.  This parenting thing is tricky business. 

Over the past year he has really seemed to enjoy taking pictures.  He will ask to use the camera and I find beautiful treasured when I download them.  Like the picture of this butterfly.  Must be his artistic flair showing up.

I love this boy and I sure hope we can navigate these next years decently well.  He is a treasure and I love him dearly!

My Littliest Man

I have this sweet little boy who stole my heart a long time ago.  I love his uniqueness. 

He has a birthday in July but he is already planning what he would like to get for presents and which friends he wants to invite to a little party.  So far he has asked for some legos, a libman's wet mop (so he can clean whenever he wants) and some hand sanitizer.  Too funny!  The best part was when I told him he didn't have to wait until his birthday for the mop.  He asked if we could go right away to buy one! 

Tonight he wasn't feeling the best.  He came to me at one point and asked, "Am I not feeling well?"  I told him he had to figure that out himself.  He touched his head and said, "There is a really cold spot on my forehead that is probably only 95 point something degrees.  So I will just touch it until it gets warm."

Right now he is eating his nightly snack of apple slices and getting ready for me to read Charlotte's Web to him.  What a boy!