Saturday, December 26, 2009

Please Tell Me I Am Not The Only One

Going to be painfully honest here. Sometimes I really do not enjoy my children too much. Is it okay for me to say that? I get annoyed with them quite easily. Just for needing me. Needing me to make them food, get them a drink, take them to the potty, mediate their arguments, look for missing lego pieces, look for blankies, clean up the milk that they spilled because they were rolling a ball on the table.....AGAIN!

Motherhood is so incredibly demanding! And lately I feel like maybe I should hand in my resignation. At least for a day or two.

I know that the enemy wants me to feel isolated and alone in seasons of struggling with being a mom. I know I am not the only mom who feels this way. I know there are other moms out there who struggle in the same way. It is just hard to find moms who will write with gut level honesty. You start feeling like you are doing something very wrong.

I have found myself asking Mark so often lately, "What are we doing wrong?" This always comes after something I seem to think other people have mastered. Why do my babies get up all hours of the night? Why do my toddlers whine all day about everything? Why do my older boys get into such intense verbal disputes? Why do I yell when I so badly want to respond with grace and love? I then say, "What is wrong with me?!"

And you know....I don't think there is anything wrong with me except that I have these expectations that are just simply unattainable. I am human. I am going to have bad days. I am going to have days that I wake up a little "off" and have a hard time getting myself back on track. Same as my children. I have days when I want to whine about my life. Kind of like my toddlers. I have days where I want to stomp out of the room and lock myself away for time alone. Just like my boys. I have days when I want to sit and cry. Kind of like my toddlers.

But.....I need to learn to overcome my feelings and being to teach my children that emotions cannot rule my life. My goodness though - it is so darn hard!!

I did lock myself in the bathroom the other day - if only for a minute. It felt nice though. Just me. Alone. Solitude.

It only lasted a moment since Eden figured out where I was and began pounding on the door and I had to hurriedly open the door for fear that her pounding and yelling would awaken Heidi. But that moment was tasty!

I know this seems like a strange post when everyone else is all happy, jolly and Christmasy. Just where I am at this Christmas.

I love my children to no end! Wouldn't trade any of them! I know I am walking out God's plan for my life! I also know that when I am feeling completely depleted that I have decided (unconsciously) to walk in my own strength. Oh how miserably I fail!

So...on this after Christmas I am more grateful than ever that a baby was born who made it possible for me to fall on my face in front of my Father simply to say, "Help me! Save me! Extend Grace to me! Carry me! Enable me! Bless me!"

It still would be nice to know that I am normal. Anyone?


Meredith said...

Oh Honey, you're very normal. I doubt there's a mom anywhere including Mary, who hasn't been where you are. I remember being at those days when I just longed for privacy, and solitude. I remember feeling like everyone needed me or my body. It's part of learning unselfishness, I guess. at the stage I'm at now, it's different. Now I'm trying to figure out when to make my teens do things they should or let them fail. I try to keep a smile or pleasant expression on my face when setting limits like computer time. Today my son said, "You smile too much!" Can't win. Oh well, I'm trying to please Someone other than just him!~Aunt Edith

Lana T. said...

Been there many times myself. And yet last night, as we were saying good-bye to the kids, I was an emotional wreck! Bawling my eyes out because I'm going to miss them.

We all need a little break. I find that when I crabby and irritable it is often because I need to take a nap and catch up on a little sleep.


Barb said...

you are not the only one....but then you knew that didn't you??? At least you knew that if you ever heard me speak about my own darling children :)

steffany said...

I have no idea what you are talking about...
My kids are perfect and my mothering skills are superb.
And we sing of rainbows while playing our harps.

no are not the only one:)

Beautiful Mess said...

Nope-you are not the only one!


Koelle said...

Ditto to all of the above comments. You are not alone. I have often wished for just one day without all the tiny demands,then had the thought "be careful what you wish for" run through my head. It happens to the best of us, probably more often than we like to admit. We're all human. We love our kids, but they drive us nuts. The upside? Someday their own children will do the same thing to them! I know my mother secretly (and sometimes not so secretly) laughs at me! Hang in there. Take it day by day, sometimes minute by minute.

Amber said...

It seems like it's normal to me. You have a lot on your plate so it is natural to feel overwhelmed sometimes. It is important to have a date night with hubby and time alone every once in a while to stay sane. I don;t think I am close enough to babysit for you...Hang in there! Wishing you a Blessed New Year!

Staci said...

just stumbled upon your blog and appreciated this post. definitely not alone, sista! all I can do is apologize to them when I lose it and tell them it's not ok, and that I love them. And try again tomorrow...

adalong said...

Ah, Becky, you're a great mom...just an honest one. I remember thinking "Can't I even take a shower without someone hollering for me?!" Now...I love to hear from them as often as possible! The seasons of life!
Hang in there!

Katie said...

Amen to all of that! <3

Robbin Hopkins said...

I found you from a link from Steffany. Nope you are not alone. My fear is that at 35, I waited to late in the game to ever be a master...aside from golfers you usually have to start earlier right? I have so many fears that I am not doing this right. When I yell I feel like the worse person in the world. When ppl tell me she shouldn't be waking up in the middle of the night, shouldn't be still drinking bottles.... etc etc. Thank you for your post. It makes it doable for me, at least one more day!

Paula said...

I found you through Steffany also... no way are you alone! We all feel that way sometimes! I'd like to say that it gets easier... I've already parented three kids through the teen years... but it doesn't! My five year olds still make me question my sanity daily (why again did I want more children?)... but they are all different and require different skills. Still learning all the ins and outs at age 46, and so glad there are others out there like me and willing to share their heart. We are not alone. :)

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