Going to be painfully honest here. Sometimes I really do not enjoy my children too much. Is it okay for me to say that? I get annoyed with them quite easily. Just for needing me. Needing me to make them food, get them a drink, take them to the potty, mediate their arguments, look for missing lego pieces, look for blankies, clean up the milk that they spilled because they were rolling a ball on the table.....AGAIN!
Motherhood is so incredibly demanding! And lately I feel like maybe I should hand in my resignation. At least for a day or two.
I know that the enemy wants me to feel isolated and alone in seasons of struggling with being a mom. I know I am not the only mom who feels this way. I know there are other moms out there who struggle in the same way. It is just hard to find moms who will write with gut level honesty. You start feeling like you are doing something very wrong.
I have found myself asking Mark so often lately, "What are we doing wrong?" This always comes after something I seem to think other people have mastered. Why do my babies get up all hours of the night? Why do my toddlers whine all day about everything? Why do my older boys get into such intense verbal disputes? Why do I yell when I so badly want to respond with grace and love? I then say, "What is wrong with me?!"
And you know....I don't think there is anything wrong with me except that I have these expectations that are just simply unattainable. I am human. I am going to have bad days. I am going to have days that I wake up a little "off" and have a hard time getting myself back on track. Same as my children. I have days when I want to whine about my life. Kind of like my toddlers. I have days where I want to stomp out of the room and lock myself away for time alone. Just like my boys. I have days when I want to sit and cry. Kind of like my toddlers.
But.....I need to learn to overcome my feelings and being to teach my children that emotions cannot rule my life. My goodness though - it is so darn hard!!
I did lock myself in the bathroom the other day - if only for a minute. It felt nice though. Just me. Alone. Solitude.
It only lasted a moment since Eden figured out where I was and began pounding on the door and I had to hurriedly open the door for fear that her pounding and yelling would awaken Heidi. But that moment was tasty!
I know this seems like a strange post when everyone else is all happy, jolly and Christmasy. Just where I am at this Christmas.
I love my children to no end! Wouldn't trade any of them! I know I am walking out God's plan for my life! I also know that when I am feeling completely depleted that I have decided (unconsciously) to walk in my own strength. Oh how miserably I fail!
So...on this day...day after Christmas I am more grateful than ever that a baby was born who made it possible for me to fall on my face in front of my Father simply to say, "Help me! Save me! Extend Grace to me! Carry me! Enable me! Bless me!"
It still would be nice to know that I am normal. Anyone?