Real Life

Apparently I was remiss in my assumptions that when summer arrived things would feel a little more manageable and not so busy. Of course I knew we would be on the go a bit more since there are not any school schedules but I really did not prepare myself for the daily demands to feel different. It took a little bit for everyone to find a new normal since Judah is once again around all day. He is missing school which I find almost amusing since most 10 year old boys can hardly wait for the school year to end. He instead is telling me how life just doesn't seem right and that he misses school and could we please drive through the little village/town thingie that his school is in. I said to Mark just a few nights ago that sometimes I am amazed by the amount of time and energy it takes keeping a house running relatively smoothly! Some days I feel almost unprepared for the task set before me even though I have been doing this for quite a while. The dynamics, demands and needs seem to always be shifting and changing. We are in the thick of the shaping and molding of the three younger ones with not a whole lot of visible headway. You know what I mean? Discouragement daily as you trudge through the discipline, questioning yourself as you sort through squabbles, the desperate cries to the Father for wisdom and the daily realization that you fail miserably unless you release total control to Him! And even when you release control and you plead with Him for grace and wisdom it still appears as though you are failing because you cannot see the inner workings of your child's heart. You feel like things are connecting. You feel like the walls are still up in their heart. You feel like they are an impenetrable fortress. But that one fleeting whisper in their ear of how you love them, how they are your favorite 4 year old boy, how much you admire the strides they are taking in trying to serve their siblings, how you notice the touches on their little sisters heads as they walk past, the way they hold their hand and walk to check on the garden......all snippets of hope straight from your mouth to their hearts!

Life is a constant juggling act. A give and take. I am finding that in the midst of the demands around me I still need to sit and be still! To quiet my heart and mind. To soak in His presence. I am going to lay myself bare here because sometimes it is just good to be honest. I found myself a few weeks ago sitting on the couch of my counselor sorting through my exhaustion. Everything was so muddled in my head that I needed help sorting things out! Which resulted in a very long cleansing cry! Did I mention it was long? And extremely messy? Like lots and lots of tears and snot? But so healing and life giving. Things were out of whack and not prioritized correctly. People's perceptions of me had become too important and I didn't even realize my drive of perfection! Stupid, stupid perfection! Woven into me from years past and still directing my steps. I left feeling overwhelmed at what had been uncovered in the ugliness of my heart. (side note: nothing too dramatic but always disheartening when you feel like you are cruising along making strides only to find out you are still operating in your own strength too often) Our own strength makes things messy and not so pretty. It can be destructive to ourselves and our relationships. So I am trying, with His help, to slow down. To rest more. To soak in the laughter of my children. To let them run in the rain even if I have an extra load of laundry as a result. Yes, I am that shallow that I would tell my children they cannot giggle, shriek and run in the rain simply because I am thinking of the work that comes after it. I am determined to join in the play with my children and not simply be a bystander. To be a part of making the memory!

And so, my posts could possibly be a bit more random this summer. And they may not. We are spending time with friends multiple times a week because it is both good for my children and for their momma to connect with women throughout the week. Mark also appreciates my friends who take some of my verbal vomit so he doesn't get it all at the end of the day. Although he hasn't said that - I am just assuming he is happy he doesn't get the complete run down every day. And that is how our summer has started! Me crying, the kids playing, me smiling again, the kids fighting, the ebb & flow of life! Not always easy (in fact rarely easy) but always worth it! And now I must go be the tooth fairy!! I am determined to remember the first time so my son doesn't wake up to remind me the tooth fairy didn't come - AGAIN! My children should be given an award for their long suffering with their forgetful mother!